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Your favourite internet forum meme....

Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...

Anyway...
If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable. 




I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??
fuuu1-300x187.jpg

So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!
fuuuu22-300x187.jpg
So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.
worst_possible_05.jpg

I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

worst_possible_07.jpg

I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....

fuuu6-300x187.jpg

At that point things get even worse... 



The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....
fuuu7-300x187.jpg

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol 

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.



All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad). 

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

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Oh wow... even though it's fake... most fun i've had reading an internet story right above here. Ty

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46 minutes ago, Knetik said:

That story had me in tears lol

could have all been avoided if he brought his damn pee bottles with him

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What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

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memes aren't good for you; they're sorta like drugs and you should lay off of them if you know whats good for you; though I won't mention all of why, aside from that I was compelled to say theres something about growing up involved, but i think theres more to it than that, whether thats part of it or not

and spewing out memes irl makes you sound like you're 13 or something, or at least it did 5 years ago(and i hope it still does), and i dont think you guys do that

also im not joking

t. ex-memer

Edited by Aquane
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Using 4chan from 2003 so there are a lot I can choose from, but most are sort of time and place things. For example, most here would find Rick Rolling and basically all the early 4chan stuff lame as shit, but it was funny as fuck back then when 4chan was actually quite light hearted and Otaku oriented instead of being Stormfront-lite and working for the Donald Trump campaign and overtaken by Briebart astroturfers. 

Probably my favourite is the Osaka Glass Prison copypasta 

oh and not a meme, but I used to watch this religiously back in the day

 

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@Antility That's fucking hilarious.xD:o

I don't know if I can top that, but here you go(keep in mind I translated this in a hurry without spell checker, hope it makes sense): 

 

My friend ”N” takes angry notes to a whole new level

 

On our way into the office with my friend and office colleague N… Someone has locked a trolley in the staircase so that it blocks the whole entrance.

 

Me:(a bit upset) How the fuck does a person like this think? ”I have a trolley and I have to lock it in place PRECICELY in front of the door, and I decide only because I couldn’t figure out the god gamn basics in contraception, so the rest of the world has to adapt and play musical chairs to get to their god damn jobs!”

 

My friend N:(silently steps over the trolley)

 

Me: I’m going to write a fucking note!

 

My friend N: Unfortunately I can’t help you. My wife doesn’t allow me to do that anymore.

 

Me: What?

 

My friend N: I’m not allowed to write notes anymore. Last time I got reported to the police, and she didn’t like that at all.

 

Me: You got reported to the police for writing an angry note?

 

My friend N:(shrugs his shoulders) There was a lady in our old apartment building who consistently locked hey trolley in the staircase so that it blocked the whole staircase. And that was a little unpractical when you bought furniture and wanted to get them up to your apartment, and didn’t get past, and such. So I wrote a note and pointed out that it might not be an optimal placement for trolleys. I also noted on that in case of fire, a trolley that catches fire can become quite an effective death trap when trying to exit the building.

 

(silence)

 

Me: I assume there’s more to the story.

 

My friend N: Yes. She of course tore the note down.

 

Me: And filed a police report?

 

My friend N: Nono, of course not. She reported me for the crossword thing.

 

Me: The crossword?

 

My friend N: Yes

 

Me: You lost me now.

 

My friend N: Construction workers were working in the building. And one day they had put their bags and tools where that woman usually put her trolley. So the next day the lady had put up a big note over their bags where it said: ”TROLLEY” written angrily with black markers.

 

Me: A determined woman.

 

My friend N: You could that say. So then i took that note down and put up another one like it with the text ”MOON ROCKET”.

 

Me: Ok.

 

My friend N: But of course she tore that one down.

 

Me: And then you fetched a crossword?

 

My friend N: I drew a cartoon.

 

Me: A… cartoon?

 

My friend N: Yes. A bit manga influenced. It turned out pretty good actually. But it took about two days to colour and stuff.

 

Me: Ookey.

 

My friend N: (shrugs his shoulders) It takes longer time to draw series than people think.

 

Me: I understand. What was it about?

 

My friend N: You could say that the core story was about a sweet elderly couple, where the man was wheelchair bound, died in a fire in his apartment building due to a trolley which blocked the handicap ramp to the exit. It was very detailed.

 

(silence)

 

Me: You are the most peculiar person I know.

 

My friend N: At least I’m not the one drinking water with soap.

 

Me:(happily surprised) You read my blog!

 

My friend N: Is it you or me who’s telling a story here?

 

Me: Sorry. Continue.

 

My friend N: Anyway. I put that serie up above her trolley, with hope of that she would pick up on the subtle message.

 

Me: And she did not?

 

My friend N: No. She tore it down.

 

Me: And then… wait… how the hell does the crossword come into the picture?

 

My friend N. Eh, I was at the local hardware store an afternoon.

 

Me: And bought a cord?

 

My friend N: No. I was getting a thermos. But that’s not relevant for the story.

 

Me: Can I ask what you did buy?

 

My friend N:(My friend N looks at me a little bit like how you might look at a chimpanzee who tries to eat a watermelon with chopsticks) Anyway, I found a padlock with a combination lock. But with letters instead of numbers.

 

Me: Ok.

 

My friend N: So I made a crossword. The theme was fire. For example ”You call these men dressed in red if a trolley in your staircase catches fire”, and ”The ceremony where you put dead elderly in coffins in the ground after they’ve died in an apartment fire”. And then there was a crossword with a letter from each answer, and that was the combination to the lock.

 

Me: Clever!

 

My friend N: I thought so. So I put the crossword in an envelope with clear instructions and hung it in a lace from her trolley, and then I locked her trolley to the wall with the lock.

 

Me: And she didn’t like that?

 

My friend N: Of course, I never spoke to her in person. But there was an angry note from the board to everyone living in the building the day after, where they in fairly strong terms urged ”the person that locked the trolley to IMMEDIATELY unlock it”. And then they added that ”it had been reported to the police”.

 

Me: So she didn’t finish the password?

 

My friend N: It’s possible that I misjudged the difficulty of it.

 

Me: And the lock?

 

My friend N: My wife forced me to take it down. So I went down and took it off.

 

(silence)

 

My friend N: After, you know, a week. Or so.

 

Me: A week?

 

My friend N:(Slightly offended) I’ve got other stuff to do! I don’t have time to remove padlocks exactly whenever someone asks for it.

 

(silence)

 

My friend N:(shrugs his shoulders) Anyway, that’s why I’m not allowed to write notes anymore. But if YOU want to write a note, I have a couple of good ideas.

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